Journal #4: Bye Bye Boobies

Friday, February 4th, in the year of Our Lord 2011
I think my boobs are disappearing. Sad, I know. [A/N: Anyone who even remotely knows me knows I have awesome boobs. The knowledge of their disappearance is shocking.] They're not as perky as they once were. I was afraid that this was going to happen. I pray to God every night to take away my ass [A/N: I have an awesome ass], my thunder-thighs, and my Buddha belly, but lay one omnipotent finger on my prized possessions and I renounce you as my religious figure of choice. I love them like they were my own children. I've been known to say on (this is not surprising at all) more than one occasion that if I was a guy, I'd date me because of my rockin' boobs.



"I have rocking boobs." -Me



 Alas, I guess that's the sacrifice one makes when agreeing to participate in an exercise competition...which I'm STOMPING Brooke at at this exact point in time.





At least I still have my best "ass"-set left.



I almost didn't do anything today.  I didn't go swimming.  SHOCKER.  Did I just say that I opted out of jumping into the liquid I'm quite positive they use to freeze Walt Disney's head in at that cryogenics facility in Arizona.  (You don't believe me about that?  Read it and weep.  No, seriously.  Weep.  It's terrifying.)  I actually slept more than 4 hours last night!  WHOO!  I slept through Brooke getting up and working out with Brenda (such sweet, sweet sleep I got). 

I zoned out in all but one class today.  I love my German class.  There isn't a class that has gone by where I haven't almost died from laughing.  Did you know that this is a sexual inneundo in the lovely German language?  Impress your date one night by asking if you make their asparagus grow (or if you're of the opposite sex, work your magic or something, you'll get lucky eventually).  I DIGRESS.

Eventually this afternoon, I dragged myself over to the Allen Center, where I nonchalantly (read: blatantly) creeped on my former (read: hot) [A/N: I just realized that I made a pun in that set of parantheses.  I'm a genius.] Communications instructor.  Did you know that there is a piece of exercise equipment that is literally just a mini-escalator?



No, seriously.  This exists.





Do you know that I do this every time I go to Younkers at Bay Park Square Mall?  I piss off my mom--and everyone behind me [A/N: WALK AROUND ME.  They're moving stairs, it's not like you're assigned your specific step the minute you stand on one, you lazy fat-asses] when I just stand in place and walk.  

I hit the elliptical and watched Anthony Bourdain get drunk in Ghana. I gagged when Bizarre Foods came on after and Andrew Zimmern gobbled up bull testicles like a champ.

Is there nothing this man won't eat? 

I decided to save the Allen Center employees from an unfortunate job of cleaning up my vomit and headed to an exercise bike to read.  Question: What's cuter than a goat?  A baby goat.  Question: What's cuter than a gay farmer?  TWO gay farmers.  Question: What's cuter than two gay farmers and a herd of goats?  GOD DAMN NOTHING, THAT'S WHAT.  Seriously, go get and read "The Bucolic Plague" by Josh Kilmer-Purcell (he's from Wisconsin!) and you'll understand.  Kilmer-Purcell was a former drag queen who performed in platform heels and had real-live goldfish in his plastic titties.  His life partner is Brent, who worked for Martha Stewart [A/N: A gay man worked for Martha Stewart?  Whoa...]  They have a show on Planet Green, called The Fabulous Beekman Boys and I am OBSESSED with them.



ADORABLE.



After an hour, I left, surprised that it actually wasn't that cold out.  Tomorrow I'll go over again, but not on Sunday.  That's a holy day, damn it.

If you're not interested in anything remotely football-based, you may skip the rest of this post [A/N: I'm giving this warning to you, Haley.  I know you hate sports].  I don't know if you've heard, but the Super Bowl is Sunday and Wisconsin is ready to explode.  I'm pretty sure it was a state-wide holiday today because I saw more Packers shirts on people than I have in my entire life.  It's on the news 24/7.  I'm terrified of the outcome of the game.  If we win: pandimonium.  If we lose: pandimonium.  There will be no happy medium with us Packers fans.  Lil Wayne aka Weezy did a damn cover of Wiz Khalifa's song "Black and Yellow" and ingeniously titled it "Green and Yellow".  It's a song about the Green Bay Packers.  By Lil Wayne.  Who's America's team now, bitches? 

Yea, I can see the resemblence...

We have awesome players.  They have awesome pictures. I have the ability to copy and paste.

Okay, I'll be done now.  Just wait until Sunday and I'll go Packer crazy.