Journal #3: I Have Discovered the Anti-Christ and His Posse

Thursday, February 3rd, in the year of Our Lord 2011

It's only day 3 and I feel like I'm going to keel over at any moment.  I can only say God bless my brain for controlling a lot of my major body functions because if I was given sole responsibility right now, I'd probably die within nanoseconds.  I'm having difficulties carrying on a coherent conversation; I don't need to be multi-tasking by remembering to breathe and blink.

If how I started my day wasn't enough of an indicator, I don't know what else would have done it.  First of all, I changed my alarm song from "Superhero" by Fifth Element [A/N: I'm shamelessly plugging Fifth Element right now.  They're an all male accapella group from UW-Eau Claire and my friend's brother sings in it and I'm slightly obsessed with their CD right now, which just-so happens to be called "Runaway" *$9.99 on iTunes!*] to "Peacock" by Katy Perry.  BIG MISTAKE, BRO-CHA-CHO.  I think I hit every button BUT the off button.  I ended up cranking up the volume while at the same time dying of a shock-induced heart attack because Katy Perry wouldn't stop chanting about feather-covered cocks until I ripped my iPod out of its docking station.

After that unfortunate incident, I debated on whether or not I really gave two huge fuck-dee-doos about swimming.  (But damn it all to hell, I WANT THOSE STAR STICKERS!) I dressed and left the dorms, only for my eyeballs and whatever snot was in my nose to freeze solid in less than a milisecond when I opened the door.  Whoever in my family tree decided Wisconsin was a great place to start their life was obviously mentally handicapped and I will forever hate you. 

I was one of...well, one people in the pool for my first 15 laps.  And you can bet your sweet but not sore (haha, word play makes me happy on the inside) ass that I swam for a full hour! [A/N: I severely regret that decision at this point in time, but at that hour of the day, it seemed like an AWESOME idea.]  Do you know how tempting it is to look at the clock when you're swimming alone?  A minute took for-freaking-ever.  The radio was on, but all it was on at that time was talk-radio, instead of, oh I don't know, GOD DAMN MUSIC?! I had to listen to a phone interview with none other than Weird Al.  (WEIRD. AL.) Apparently he wrote a children's book and it was really inspiring to write...blah blah blah.  PLAY MUSIC, YOU EFFING RADIO STATION.  You could play Ke$ha for 19 hours straight and I'd be happy (because I'd be dead) because it wasn't a phone interview with WEIRD AL.

After dragging my ass out of the water, I got ready for class.  Can I tell you anything important or relevant from any of my classes?  Nope, but I can tell you that I had Fun-Yuns for lunch today.

I also decided to go to the Allen Center (there must be something in the water, because I would never voluntarily decide to do this) after my last class.  Brenda tagged along.  [A/N: Hi Brenda!] My legs lost complete feeling after the first mile.  Again, Food Network was on and so was brownie pudding.  Oh. My. God.

What else was on, you ask?  Well, let me enlighten you.  MTV was on, specifically the show entitled "The Seven".  It apparently picks out the 7 most important things of the day and fills you in on them.  Half of them had to do with the fictional celebrity Kim Kardashian and her obviously surgically-enhanced backside of monstrous porportions, and the other half had to deal with the Anti-Christ. 

The Anti-Christ, Meghan?  Now who may that be?, you ask.  Let me fill you in, dear reader. Justin Maybelline Bieber is the Anti-Christ.  He has legions of brain-dead followers who will do anything at his bidding.  (Imagine AMC's "The Walking Dead", but with pre-teens who have Bedazzled their shirts with this so-called "boy" onto them.)  Tomorrow, Hell will be released unto the world.  His autobiographical movie (THE KID IS 16.  WHAT HAS HE DONE TO WARRANT A MOVIE?  I'm 19 and I've done more impressive shit than him!) comes out into theaters.  MTV is all a-flutter about it and I found myself dry-heaving on the exercise bike, partly because I was dehydrated and about to pass out, of how a once well-respected television station has now reduced itself to such insane drivel is completely beyond me.

Speaking of insane drivel, when will they commit Snooki to a psychiatric ward?  Did you know she wrote a book?  I didn't know she was capable of speaking without cue-cards.  If given a choice between watching Snooki read an excerpt from her novel or watching an orangutan pee into its own mouth, what do you think people would watch?  (If you said this, you'd be correct in your assumption.)

As much as I would love to rant and rave about Justin "I Have Ovaries" Bieber and Snooki "Why Don't I Have a Last Name", I have homework to do.  Now, if I only mentally process what I need to do, I'll be golden.