Hey JFC in the HEC, you can kiss my ASS

Thursday, April 7 in the Year of Our Lord 2011

I have re-entered the world of excerising with renewed vigor.  And by renewed vigor, I mean I don't get grumpy that much anymore when I wake up at 6:00 in the morning to go swimming. 

I almost drowned the other morning because the radio station was tuned into The Bob and Tom Show.  If you don't really know me, then you don't really understand my obsession for this radio show.  I grew up listening to my dad quoting songs and comedians who came on the show.  The highlight, thus far, of my college career was going to a show by Tim Bedore, a comedian on The Bob and Tom Show and former resident of Stevens Point.

Class up the ass, man.

I can go on YouTube and literally spend hours upon hours snorting and gasping for breath as I watch hundreds of videos from Bob and Tom.  It's a horrible addiction.

There was really nothing new at the pool last week when I went.  Well, the intramurals water polo team were trying to drown each other on Thursday and I was visited yet again by the person I have now dubbed "Snorkel Man".  I kid you not, this man comes to the pool, straps an obnoxiously huge snorkel mask to his face and never resurfaces until his workout is done.  I am both amazed and stupified at this.  Really?  Is it that hard to lift your face out of the water?  I don't see Michael Phelps or Dana Torres slapping a snorkel on right before a big race.  I can't imagine how he can manage to get deep enough breaths in so he doesn't pass out halfway through a lap.

Seen above: ineffective use of brain cells.



I trudged over to the Allen Center on Saturday.  Yea, I agree too.  What a waste of a perfectly boring Saturday afternoon.  I don't remember much from that escapade, probably because I hyperventilated on the treadmill because of hitting the huge button that read "SLOW", I stupidly slammed my thumb down on the "FAST" button and within seconds, I was BOOKING it and I was so flustered, I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong.  Luckily, I jumped onto the sides and discovered my error. 

With the security camera footage from last Saturday,
I could've been YouTube gold.

Flipping the Dreadmill (what I aptly named it after that terrifying ordeal) off, I jumped onto a bike and proceeded to laugh loudly (because I had my headphones in and I have a poor judgment of inner volume all the time) at the SNL marathon VH1 had lovingly put on for me.  It also happened to be the Gerard Butler episode and when I saw that one live, I almost peed myself.

"I just like a...big ass."
"Belle, I'm a candlelabra.  I date other candlelabras.  Once, in college,
I dated a menorrah."

I went back to the Allen Center on Wednesday, knowingly avoiding the Dreadmill.  I was forced to either watch Judge Judy (what the hell is that thing?  A snake?  A demon?) or the Travel Channel.

Would she do that with that beak she calls her nose?

After enduring less than 5 seconds of so-called "justice", I turned my attention to the Travel Channel and if I was a prepubescent male, I would've been sporting a woody at what I saw.

"We all have our Masters in Sluttiness."

It was "The 21 Sexiest Beach Bars" or "Just a Bunch of Slutty Girls Getting Drunk and Walking Around in Bikinis...and Yea, Bars." It was the worst show I've seen on that channel, and I've watched their week-long special on Disney Cruise Lines and these douche-nozzles:

What, Zak, no Bedazzled Ed Hardy shirt today?
THE HORROR.

Speaking of douche-nozzles, guess who just got canned?

He's crying because the voices in his head told him to.

I shit you not, folks.  Fox News (FOX NEWS) canned Glenn "The Voices Won't Be Quiet" Beck this week.  But who is the direct line to God for Fox News now?  Because I'm pretty sure Glenn had Jesus on speed dial. Who is going to make sure Bill O'Reilly remembers where he parked his car in the parking lot?  Or make sure the mandatory nap and cookie hours are followed?  WHO WILL FILL THE AIRWAVES WITH CONSPIRACY THEORIES THAT ARE INHERENTLY NOT TRUE?!

Knowledge goes in, gobble-dee-gook comes out.
You can't explain that.
But on Fox News you can.

On one hand, I'm STOKED that Fox News actually thought of something that had nothing to do with discovering where Obama's real birth certificate is.  On the other...

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THESE TWO?!

As I write this, Jon Stewart has dedicated himself to mocking Glenn Beck on The Daily Show and I don't remember how hard I've laughed at an episode of The Daily Show before.

I'll skip the rest of my crazy rant about Glenn Beck (that's probably going to be another post), I think I might have to explain my title of this post.

I don't know if you've been keeping up with the news, but Wisconsin is currently being ruled by a blood-thirsty, egocentric dictator.

The budget bill, which has elements in it that would strip union workers of their right to collectively bargain, a $250 million cut to the UW-system, separating UW-Madison from the rest of the system and making it "Wisconsin's Flagship School", is probably one of the most controversial bits of legislation in the last decade.  Just when you think the hysteria surrounding this has simmered down a bit, something like oh, state and local elections flare up and it's back in the media.  This bill is the herpes of the news world.  It literally took a devastating earthquake/tsunami in Japan to switch the headlines on all the major news channels.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BUDGET CRISIS IN WISCONSIN?
WHEN WILL WE GET BACK TO THAT?

Well, lucky ol' UW-Stevens Point was chosen to host the Joint Finance Committee Public Hearings today, the only college in Wisconsin asked to do so.  It was rumored that over 5,000+ people were going to flood this tiny campus for a rally this afternoon.  I don't know if there were that many people, but my roommate Brooke was astonished by the number of Porta-Potties that lined the parking lots.

I bet someone regrets buying that Polish sausage at 10 in the morning...

I hate rallies.  The only rally I usually attend are pep rallies, and if they found me lurking around a high school, the cops would be called on me.  I did watch Stewart and Colbert's Rally to Restore Sanity last October and thought it was brilliant. 

Like the immortal Mitch Hedberg once said:

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

Single greatest comedian ever.

I didn't attend the Public Hearings, just because I'm completely over this and there's literally nothing I can do about stopping this bill.  It's in the hands of the Wisconsin Supreme Court now. 

But what really ticked me off was what happened this morning.

I woke up to go swimming, actually excited about getting into the water.  I got dressed, grabbed my gear and went outside.  The parking lot of the HEC was surprisingly empty and I noticed the barricades at the entrances.  Shrugging it off, I headed to the doors.  And was promptly denied entrance.

The doors...were...LOCKED.

"Let us in!  WE WANT TO SWEAT OUR BALLS OFF!"



Pissed, I stomped back to my dorm, stripped myself and put my pajamas back on.  Fuck it; if I wasn't going swimming, I better damn be sleeping.  And sleep I did.  My alarm went off at 7:30 and I opened my bright and adorable little eyes at...8:30.  I have class at 9.

As Charlie Sheen would say, I was definitely -

I did have a tall glass of tiger blood with my Berry Cap'n Crunch, though.